(from the archives of The Oregon Review. Feb. 28, 2017)
Milo in Hell
MILO: Milo Yiannopolous, famous political creature
UNDERDEVIL: Deputy Underdevil for Admissions, North Gate of Hades
Spare, nearly empty office or kiosk with space for a computer screen on a desk or table, chairs for the Deputy Underdevil and for the interviewee, Milo.
UNDERDEVIL: [looks toward stage door] NEXT ! [Milo enters and sits at the admission desk.]
UNDERDEVIL: Nice pearls.
MILO: Thanks, a Brother gave them to me.
UNDERDEVIL: Your brother gave you pearls?
MILO: No, Brother Fleurmquist. He was at the church for a while.
UNDERDEVIL: Oh, a priest gave you pearls? Maybe he’s here.
MILO: A monk, actually.
UNDERDEVIL: I don’t recognize the name, could be Upstairs.
MILO: I wouldn’t think so.
UNDERDEVIL: Oh, many of them go Upstairs, you’d be surprised.
MILO: That’s for sure.
UNDERDEVIL: [fiddles with terminal] So your name is Milo?
UNDERDEVIL: You’re a plant? [laughs in fake way har haw har] Sore-gum, you talk too much [laughs at own joke]. Should do well in the heat… [trails off, mumbling and fiddling with computer.]
MILO: Very funny. That’s what the Republicans were wondering. I’m told I’m an animal. [vamps]
UNDERDEVIL: [Looks up and smirks] Is that so?
MILO: That’s what Brother Fleurm…well, never mind.
UNDERDEVIL: [mumbling loudly] Pearls, swine…
MILO: I beg your pardon?
UNDERDEVIL: Oh nothing, just wandering.
MILO: So what’s your job, anyway?
UNDERDEVIL: I’m Deputy Underdevil for Admissions, for this entrance to Hell.
MILO: Admissions? I have to apply? I thought I’d be, you know, a walk-in.
UNDERDEVIL: Oh no. We have standards in Hades. We can’t just have anyone coming in here for the warm climate, you know. Even Jeff Sessions had to apply.
MILO: Did he get in?
UNDERDEVIL: Oh yes, no real issues there.
MILO: What about Trump?
UNDERDEVIL: No, he failed the mental.
MILO: You have an IQ test to get into Hell?!
UNDERDEVIL: Oh no. But you have to have clear wicked intent as well as a record of bad acts. He didn’t have clear anything, let alone intent. He wanted to know where the golf course was.
MILO: You’re not telling me Trump is Upstairs?!
UNDERDEVIL: Well, not exactly. He’s in the, er, annex on the Muslim side.
MILO: I have got to know more.
UNDERDEVIL: Well, he’s a harem guard.
MILO: A harem guard? Don’t they have to be …
UNDERDEVIL: Yes, but he was a walk-on. No special, er, prep work needed to be done. Just a quick snip with the, er, nail clipper and he was ready.
MILO: [to himself] Huh, so it was true…
UNDERDEVIL: I hear he’s happy. Good visuals and the little leather mitts keep his old grabby urges under control.
UNDERDEVIL: Well, you know.
MILO: Yes, well, enough about the Gigamouth. Any issue with my admission? I’m quite bad. I’ve been trash-talking women, blacks, anybody who isn’t like me.
UNDERDEVIL: Well, there can’t be many like you. I’m trying to find out why you were flagged for a check. You don’t seem in quite the same category as, oh, Caligula or Joe McCarthy. The British make such poor villains. Great spies, poor villains. You’d have to go back to, oh, General Dyer, Henry the Eighth or….
MILO: Well, back to me, I’m gay, does that help?
UNDERDEVIL: No one cares.
MILO: Damn. They used to.
UNDERDEVIL: Once the Young Republicans started sleeping with each other that was pretty much over. And you’re British anyway, you have an accepted national subculture for gay sex.
MILO: Uh, right. So, anyone I’d know here? [smirks]
UNDERDEVIL: We don’t out our guests.
MILO: Beg your pardon. I don’t suppose some of my favorite historical figures, you know, André Gide or someone like that, are around?
UNDERDEVIL: He’s French, you know. And anyway he’s Upstairs.
MILO: Really? But he liked teenagers.
UNDERDEVIL: Sure. And during his interview they all told us to buzz off, they liked him, too. Wasn’t a close case. He had more issues with how he treated his wife, but she, that’s a saintly woman and she declined to testify.
UNDERDEVIL: I don’t say they’re reconciled or anything.
MILO: Sure. But back to me. My case.
UNDERDEVIL: [Looks up over his half-glasses] Yes, it’s all about you. So let’s take a look at your case. [stares back at the screen] Well, you are kind of an ass, but that’s pretty common.
MILO: I’m very bad.
UNDERDEVIL: Well, you’re very noisy.
MILO: I said lots of bad things.
UNDERDEVIL: Talk is cheap, I hear.
MILO: I was expensive.
UNDERDEVIL: OK, that’s one point. [mumbles ‘Overpriced twerp…’]
MILO: I was hated.
UNDERDEVIL: So was Jesus.
MILO: What the hell?
UNDERDEVIL: Watch your language.
UNDERDEVIL: I told you we have standards here. It’s ‘what the heaven.’ Keep it in mind.
UNDERDEVIL: So you talked a lot.
MILO: I said bad things.
UNDERDEVIL: I’m not seeing much action.
MILO: Hey, I got plenty.
UNDERDEVIL: [looks over glasses at Milo again] Me too. Want my number?
MILO: Well if you’re gay and you’re here, what did you do to earn admission?
UNDERDEVIL: I’m career staff. Technically I’m not fully dead so final judgment is held in abeyance. There really is a Limbo, you know.
MILO: Wow. You’re Undead.
UNDERDEVIL: Yes, but remember I’m a professional. None of this walking the streets at night business, that’s low. Uncouth. Not at all the thing.
MILO: No, I can see that. Well, you seem, uh, good at it.
UNDERDEVIL: It’s a living.
MILO: Back to my case.
UNDERDEVIL: I’m sorry, I don’t see one. You might be going Upstairs.
MILO: But I said things about boys!
UNDERDEVIL: What did you actually do?
MILO: Well, there was Brother Fleurmquist.
UNDERDEVIL: How old were you?
UNDERDEVIL: That’s a point, maybe two. On him, not you. Were you interviewed when he died?
MILO: There was a weird dream that week…
UNDERDEVIL: That was it. Was it a bad dream?
MILO: Not bad, exactly, just strange.
UNDERDEVIL: Did you hate him? Want him sent here?
MILO: Not really. Just kind of felt sorry for him.
UNDERDEVIL: Do anything else?
MILO: [blushes slightly and looks down] Well, sure, once I was fourteen I started to…
UNDERDEVIL: That’s fine, doesn’t count. Not like you could get pregnant. I’m not hearing any wicked acts.
MILO: Well, I said horrible things about people.
UNDERDEVIL: Lots of people do. [yawning, looking over Milo’s shoulder] NEXT!
MILO: Wait ! Where am I going?
UNDERDEVIL: [looks at his screen] Next door to the harem with Donald.
MILO: [grabs his crotch and gasps] No! Not that !
UNDERDEVIL: [laughs] Oh no, not as a guard. Quality control. You try them out before the clients. Testing.
MILO: [brightens] Oh my. Well, that could be interesting.
UNDERDEVIL: No doubt. You’re assigned to test the women.
MILO: Oh ! But I’m gay !
UNDERDEVIL: That’s why it will be interesting.
MILO: But what do I do?
UNDERDEVIL: Ask Donald.
MILO: Gross. How long do I have to, er, test the women?
UNDERDEVIL: Forever, most likely.
MILO: No! That’s unfair, that’s…that’s…
UNDERDEVIL: Hell? [stands and wafts Milo out the door with hand motions]